work life balance

The Naked Truth: Military Spouses Share Their Career Challenges – Nicole’s Story

August 3, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Nicole has been a federal employee for 13 years, currently on leave without pay. She has steadily climbed the ladder, to the point where she began to turn down management jobs that were too stressful for her and her family. She’s enjoying a break in Germany, but is also at loose ends wondering if she can continue to advance while being a military spouse. The following are excerpts from our interview. In order to protect her identity Nicole is not her real name

I was an investigator with the federal government. So, I’d already been a federal employee for almost five years when we met. I loved it and enjoyed it. I was really thankful to have the job and my husband was very supportive. When we got our orders to go to Alaska I was a little apprehensive because right away I knew we didn’t have a field office in Alaska. So I started thinking, “Okay, am I going to have a job?”

Then of course when we got to Alaska, I thought, “Oh wow, just our luck, right?” But that turned out to be a really great career experience and professional growth for me, which is what facilitated my promotion down to Monterey. I went to our agency and said “Hey, look. We’re moving up there. I know you guys send TDY support.” I did a “points paper” explaining and justifying why we needed a field office up there. And with management support they allowed that. We moved up there and I opened up the field office.

I felt like okay great, I’m making a difference. I was really contributing to the overall mission DOD-wide because of the nature of what we do. And so, yes, it was great. I loved it. And sad to go, but then I got a promotion (with the move to Monterey).

I will say though that being a spouse, you make a lot of sacrifices.

I feel that you make a lot of sacrifices because my husband didn’t have a lot of flexibility with his job (in Alaska). Both our sons were born up there, and he was definitely able to help with dropping off and picking up at daycare. But I realized how much his career came first because he didn’t have the flexibility being active duty to say, “Here are my work hours.” The Air Force bottom line is you work when they need you to work, based on mission requirements. And I totally understand that. But thank goodness that I had the flexibility I did. So the thought went through my mind, “What if we were someplace else and I wasn’t able to take off?” That would be another challenge that we would have to address just because he didn’t have the flexibility. And he wasn’t in a position to say, “Well I’m just not going to go to work.” I mean as a squadron commander you just can’t do that.

For me, it’s a tough reality to swallow. It really is. Because that means his job is more important than mine.

And I know that he doesn’t feel that way, but the reality is he’s the one that’s in the Air Force. He’s the one that’s making a career out of it. And we even talked about did I want him to get out and then I would be the breadwinner and he would find a job elsewhere. But I said, “No.” No, I’m comfortable with the way things are. I don’t want to be the sole breadwinner. I’m independent, driven and ambitious, but at the same time I wasn’t ready to say, “Okay, yes. Let’s focus on my career first and then you can get a job that’s based around my career.” I’m also very old fashioned and like to let the man make the money.

(When my kids were born), I did not take a break with the exception of my three months’ maternity leave. And I’ll have to tell you, it was very, very emotional.

With my oldest, I probably cried the first month. I had twelve weeks with him and I thought, “I don’t know if I want to go back to work.” I really surprised myself, because I thought for sure I’d want to go back to work. But I cried that first month dropping him off and picking him up thinking, “Man, I don’t know that this is the right decision.”

But then I realized that I wasn’t really ready to give up my job. And seeing him thrive in that daycare setting, I didn’t feel like I was missing out on any parts of his life. I didn’t work really long hours and I was nursing him, so every day for lunch I went and nursed him. Also, my job was really great with me because I told them I don’t want to travel this first year. They were very accommodating. So that made it hard too, that professional commitment and pride. And I thought, “Okay, they’re willing to work with me so I don’t want to just quit.” And that’s what I felt like I’d be doing is just quitting on my job and my career. And I felt like I had worked hard to get to where I was. I was really enjoying it. So weighing all of that I felt okay. I’m going to move forward and this is going to be fine and, and I did. And it was. But it was tough. I tried to go part-time actually but they said, “No.”

I felt almost guilty putting my work first. And then some of the spouses in the spouses’ group were openly against women working outside of the home. So there was, “Well I wouldn’t leave my son or daughter in daycare.” And that’s what I had to hear. I thought, “God, am I a bad mother for choosing work over my son or for putting him in a daycare?” But no, I wasn’t. It was the right decision. It was a good decision. And I’m happy about that. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have done it any differently at all. And I don’t feel any less close to him because of that time.

I feel like I’m a better mother because I have a professional outlet. I have something that’s mine.

Emotionally, professionally, I feel very fulfilled. And I think having that outlet helps me to be a better mother. Now I went from being career professional to being career professional and a wife, then being career professional, wife and mom. And really it’s, mom, wife career professional, in that order. So I’d like to say I put my husband first but I think he and I both put our children first. And emotionally it was at times very challenging to fill all of those roles. Because sometimes I was just drained from work or travel or the boys maybe had a tough day. And then my husband came home and wanted attention as well, and I’m thinking, “I’m just so tired. I really just have no energy left to talk. I just want to go to bed.”

I think the biggest thing is either way my husband supported me.

He’s like, “If you don’t want to go to work anymore and you want to be a stay-at-home mom, you go ahead.” But then at the same time he said “You really want to think about that because knowing the way I know you, you may regret not working.” So knowing I had the option to stay at home or not was wonderful. At the same time he made an effort to get away from work when he could to make dinner or help with the housework. He’s always been very good at that. So that’s been great. And then the times when I went TDY, he was there taking care of the kids and trying to arrange his schedule so that he could do the drop-off and the pick-up, and just doing everything for the couple of days that I was gone. I don’t take that for granted. So that was another example of how he was just supportive.

So then my agency asked, “Would you mind stepping up and being the Acting Field Office Chief just for a temporary period?” Not that I was afraid of the challenge, but there was an hour and a half drive (to the field office). So I thought, “Okay, I’ll bite the bullet and do this, because who knows where we’re going to move to next.” I thought this would be another great opportunity.

I felt very confident I could do the job. But logistically it didn’t work.

I didn’t want to have to do that commute every single day. I just didn’t want to do it. I was worn out. I was pretty exhausted physically and emotionally and not feeling good about myself. I had gained weight, sitting in the car, eating whatever. I wasn’t eating healthy. And then I had a lot of time away from my kids. Sometimes I didn’t get home until 7:30 at night. My kids were already going to bed if not already in bed. And I hadn’t seen them in the morning because I was leaving the house at 5:00 to miss traffic. So I said, “No, I can’t do it anymore.”

I knew it was the right decision, but I was very disappointed because I essentially missed out on a really good opportunity to be a Field Office Chief, to be a manager. And during that time, my husband did everything. I would not have been able to do the job for even the four months I did had it not been for his love and support. He was the one that picked up and dropped off the kids, cooked dinner, cleaned house. He did all of that. And that was because at the time, he really had an eight to five job. So, I would not have been able to do that without his support.

(Then we found out we were going to Germany), and I wanted to go overseas. I really did. And quite truthfully I was so burned out from my job it was an easy out for me. I don’t have to make the choice, because there’s no overseas’ office. I want a break. I need a break. Yay! Let’s go.

But, getting back to the emotional side, I think I miss that professional fulfillment now.

I really do. I really miss working with great people. I really miss contributing to a mission. I really miss the challenges and the rewards. And then I have nearly thirteen years vested with the government. So my professional goal at this stage would be to get twenty. I’m on leave without pay, and I do want to continue working for the federal government. Ideally I’d like to stay with my agency. But if that doesn’t come to fruition, I’d better start applying now because the process can take a little while. In July my leave without pay is up, my one year.

Overall it’s been great and it’s been a much-needed break, absolutely. I’m very thankful. I’m very thankful that I didn’t have to work, and that my agency didn’t call me and say “Can you work now?”

Now I’m missing work, now that I feel like we’ve settled into a routine, and I know the boys are going to be in school next year every day. So now I’m focusing more on my job again. And I’m starting to worry about what I am going to do. So that’s kind of where I am now. And some days I’m like, “Well, what’s meant to be will happen.” And other days I’m like, “Man, I can’t believe after all this time and I’m going to have to swallow my pride and apply for a GS 9 or a 7.”

My hope is that I can stay with the federal government and maintain my grade, even a GS 11 or 12 would be fine. My hope is that I can maintain that and work to get my twenty years in. And based on where we are at that point in our life, and how the boys are doing especially, then I’ll determine whether or not I want to keep working or not. So that’s what my hope is, to have a fulfilling job where I can maintain my pay grade, while also being a great mom and making sure that the boys are developmentally and academically where they need to be in their life and are having the opportunities I had when I was that age.

Every day is just kind of an emotional roller coaster because some days I thank God I’m not working.

I really love this break. I really love all my time. I love being able to have lunch with my girlfriends and go to the gym and just be carefree. It’s like woo-hoo! I never had this before. But then other days I’m like, “I don’t want to go to lunch. I’m tired of the gym. I can work out on the weekends. I want to work.” So it’s been emotional that way, yes. And my husband continues to be supportive. He’s like, “Well, if you want to go back to work, great. But if you don’t that’s fine, too.” At the same he’s like, “You’re not going to apply for a GS 9 are you? You’re a GS 13. You don’t need to go back.”

To have a career, not just a job is something that’s very challenging as a military spouse.

There’s what you would like and then there’s here’s what the reality is and what you can get. And a lot of times those two things don’t jive. So, I feel like I’m stuck settling. I’m stuck settling for what’s available versus what I really want.

It’s a tough reality, but it’s certainly one that I expected, because when we met and when we married, I knew that was going to happen. I really did. But knowing it and experiencing it are two different things.

Knowing what I did back then, I would still do it all over again. It’s worth the sacrifice. It really is. It sucks some days, for lack of a better term, but overall I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like my husband will finish at twenty and then at that point in time I would like to go to a place where my career can soar. And I know he would be supportive of that. So you know what? If I have to put my career on hold right now I will. Now that won’t stop me from trying to move forward. But if it doesn’t work out, then it just doesn’t work out. It’s not meant to be then that’s just the way it is.

“All Work and No Fun” – Learning to Thrive as a Career-Oriented Military Spouse

March 11, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

You know that old proverb, “All work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy?” If you have a full-time career, and are juggling kids and military life, finding time for fun may be an elusive thing. You might think fun is in those small moments with your family or in those precious few minutes you get to yourself at night when the house is quiet. Or maybe the workout you squeeze into your busy day. But no, that’s not really what I’m talking about. Do you really give yourself the luxury to play? In her book, Overwhelmed, Brigid Schulte writes about the experience of being a stressed out working professional and admits that she reached a point when she could not remember the last time she just played.

I can relate to Schulte’s story.

I pride myself on someone who was born serious, always a hard-working achiever. As a military spouse, I’ve always sought out others like me, people who cared about their careers and meaningful work. I tried to steer clear of that stereotypical military spouse who seemed to live for bunco, lunch bunch and shopping trips.

I remember coming face to face with this traditional carefree spouse stereotype when I attended a new spouse orientation at my husband’s war college. At the time, I owned my own consulting and coaching business, but I made time during my workday to attend the event and meet my peers. I was flabbergasted when the orientation speaker (who also happened to be the only man in the room) launched into a speech about how lucky we were to be there. As he described it, our husbands were being groomed to become the next generation of military world leaders, yet we were incredibly lucky to be the spouses because our only care in the world was “to have fun!” I doubt I was the only employed person in the room, yet the stereotype was made clear. If you are a military spouse, your life should be about frivolity, fun, and socializing, while your partner does the serious stuff. I quickly decided this group was not for me and went back to work.

Fast forward a few years and I find myself in Hawaii. When we arrived last summer, I was prepared to set up shop and start coaching and consulting again, which I did. But I also found that every person I met would routinely ask, “What do you do here?” And they didn’t care about what I did for a living. They wanted to know what I did for fun. Do you sail, surf, dive, paddleboard, hike? When I introduced myself at a spouse event and mentioned my business, I heard someone in the group mutter, “Work is over-rated.”

Was this that stereotypical military spouse speaking to me? Or was it my shadow self whispering in my ear? Is it possible to find time for both work and play?

Recently I read a great book by Beth Cabrera that helped me make sense of all this. In Beyond Happy, Cabrera says that the key to thriving in life is finding both happiness and meaning. Happiness comes from feeling good through play and joyful activity or relationships. And meaning comes from doing good through living your purpose, doing good work, and making a contribution to the world. Both feeling good and doing good are essential to thriving.

So now I’m experimenting.

I work a little less in Hawaii than I did in Washington DC. And I set aside every Monday morning to play golf. At first I felt guilty about golfing on a workday, but I’m getting used to the idea that fun isn’t something to apologize for or be embarrassed about. And it is pure delight to wake up on Monday morning and head to the golf course instead of my desk for a change.

So you might be thinking about now, “Must be nice, but I can’t do that.” You may not be able to change your work schedule or move to Hawaii, but if you are a stressed out professional with plenty of meaning but not much pleasure, stop and think about what you can do. How can you embrace that inner military spouse who just wants to have fun and be a little more like her? Find one fun thing you can do for yourself each week, and do it without apology. You’ll be glad you did.

Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses. Contact her for your complimentary coaching session.

Managing the Seasons of Your Career

September 11, 2015 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

September means Fall is in the air. Depending on where you live, leaves are turning, the breeze is football-season crisp, and sweaters are ready to come out of the closet. Even here in tropical Hawaii, the stores are stocking up on Fall clothing, and I am beginning to see a few boots scattered among the flip-flops. Perhaps seasons are as much a state of mind as they are weather patterns and dates on a calendar.

In much the same way, I think of careers as a lifetime of seasons. Especially for military spouses who grapple with the constant change of military life, careers are often not a traditional progression of continuous work, culminating in retirement. Our careers ebb and flow with military and family life, blossoming at times, while sometimes going into long periods of hibernation. Many of the spouses I work with as a coach find comfort in this metaphor of seasons, because it offers them a different model for career success. It is not an all-or-nothing achievement, but a patchwork quilt that is crafted with care and creativity, one season at a time.

Here are 5 tips for navigating the seasons of your career:

Take a look at what’s most important during this season of your life. Is this the time to focus on career, be home with kids, or try something you’ve never done before? Your priorities may change with the seasons. Recognize what season you are in now and plan accordingly.
Look at your own life calendar and try to gauge how long you think this season will last. If this is the season to stay home, how long do you want to plan on that? If you want to go back to school, what is the timeline? If you are a typical military family that moves every few years, planning for this chunk of time can be an ideal season to work with.
Be aware of what’s going on in the environment around you. How well do your plans fit the season you find yourself in? Are you still wearing your winter boots when everyone else has donned bikinis? For example, if you find yourself in a location with few professional jobs, you may find it’s the right time to take a hiatus or go back to school. It’s not only about your plans, but also about what fits your life right now.
Include your spouse in the journey. Just like planning your summer vacation, talk with your spouse about your career plans for the season. What do you need from them to make your plans work? What support are they willing and able to give you? Make sure you are both on the same page before embarking on the next phase of your adventure.
Once you’ve made your plans for the season, jump in and enjoy it. Don’t spend your precious time looking back with regrets or what-ifs. The good news is that the next season is right around the corner and anything is possible.

Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses. Contact her for your complimentary session.

Finding Your Whole Self: The Hidden Blessings of Military Moves

June 9, 2015 by Michelle Still Mehta 4 Comments

Like many of my fellow military spouses, I’m getting ready for PCS season. I’ve got my checklists ready, farewells planned, kids signed up for new schools, and plans for moving my business to the new duty station. After 8 moves in 15 years of marriage, I have the process down (well sort of). As much experience as I have with managing the logistics of each move, the emotional upheaval that comes with each transition never goes away. Each move is like a small death, a letting go of the past assignment and preparing for the unknowns of the next one. We say goodbye to friends, schools, neighbors, and often secure jobs or thriving businesses with the knowledge that we have to put those puzzle pieces back together again on the other side. How many times can I take my life apart and put it back together and still be whole?

British psychologist and military spouse, Sue Jervis, writes about how military moves fragment our psyches and that the challenge for our own mental health is to repair that damage before we are hit with the next move. That requires looking at the losses, mourning them, talking about them, seeking support, and holding onto the best part of our past to teach us who we want to become during the next round.

Nobody has to tell us that moving around every 2-3 years is hard. That’s the average for military families and we know that the emotional, psychological, and financial impacts to spouses are real. But we don’t always talk about the silver lining that comes from experiencing this level of disruption in your life. Many of us literally give up our identities because of a PCS or because of the lifestyle of frequent relocation. Our original career plans don’t fit the demands of military life, or the toll of persevering on that path becomes too great.

Early in my marriage I found myself in just that boat. I was working for a large consulting firm, doing well and up for Partner soon. The only hitch was that I worked very long hours, and lived on airplanes and in hotels most of the time. I was always exhausted and found myself having heart problems in my early 30s. I was proud of my accomplishments, but couldn’t say I enjoyed my job. I was climbing a ladder that I thought was real success without really questioning what I was doing with my life.

Luckily for me, the Air Force literally saved my life. When my husband got orders to Turkey, I quit my consulting job, relieved that I was off the treadmill I had been on, but terrified that my career was over. Although it took a few years for me to sort out what I was really called to do, I’ve never regretted the changes I’ve made. As an independent consultant and coach I do work that is meaningful to me, and provides the flexibility for me to have a real life and a family I spend time with. If not for the forced move overseas, I’m not sure I would have found the courage to leave my corporate life and the façade of success I had been holding so tightly.

I was reflecting on all of this today as I read Sheryl Sandberg’s heartbreaking post about the loss of her husband and her experience with grief. In that post, she shares a simple prayer that says:

“Let me not die while I am still alive.”

That prayer struck a chord in me because it evokes the same kind of feeling I get during each PCS. All your belongings, your relationships, your very sense of identity can be yanked out from under you, yet the essence of YOU are still there. It is almost like a brush with death, where you are called to be reborn each time. For anyone who has experienced tragedy, you know with clarity in those moments what matters. You hold your loved ones tighter, make pledges to spend more time with people, and commit to letting go of the trivial things in life.

I am grateful for each and every one of those moves we’ve made and for the incredible journey that forces me to strip everything away and look at my life with new eyes each time. So the next time you are hijacked by your latest PCS, I challenge you to look for the silver lining and see it is a call to wholeness, to remember exactly who you are and to be that well.

When not PCSing, Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses. Contact her for your complimentary coaching session.