PCS

Finding Peace in Your PCS

May 9, 2017 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

It’s that time of year when masses of military families are on the move. Are you one of them? Even the best moves can be stressful, and are especially disruptive to military spouse careers.

If you’re in that boat, take some time to think about your goals for the next PCS before the moving trucks arrive. How do you feel about the next assignment? What do you hope to accomplish there? Is this a good time to reach for a career milestone or focus on another priority? Here are 3 things I recommend you do to help find peace in your PCS:

1. Set personal goals for your next assignment.

Before you get caught up in the fast-paced blur of the moving process, take some time to reflect on what you want to get out of the next assignment. I recommend keeping a journal and writing about your goals for the next duty station. Visualize your best possible life and what it would look like. Will this be a good time to seek employment, make a career change, go back to school, or take a break and focus on family? What would give you the most happiness and satisfaction personally and professionally? Then challenge yourself to set 2-3 personal goals for the next assignment that can guide you through the next chapter of your military life. When I found out we were coming to Hawaii two years ago, I set 3 goals for myself:

Maintain my coaching business.
Write my book.
Take up golf again (a much-loved hobby I had given up when I became a working mom).

I knew this assignment would be a good chance for me to slow down after having two kids, earning a PhD, and starting a business. For me, this assignment wasn’t about hitting my next career milestone, but about enjoying one or our last duty stations before military retirement. Having these goals clear in my mind has helped focus my energy and prioritize my time during this assignment.

2. Make sure your goals fit with your 3M’s.

If you are going to succeed in meeting your personal goals, make sure they realistically fit those 3M roles in your life (marriage, motherhood/fatherhood, military life). Will your spouse be supportive of your priorities? If you have children, will you be able to accomplish your goals while still being the parent you need to be? And are your goals realistic given the demands of your military life (e.g. expected deployments, length of time at this duty station, your service member’s work demands)? I encourage you to dream big for yourself and craft the life you want to live. But also do the work to make sure those dreams are achievable in the context of your real-world life.

3. Expect to feel loss and look for unexpected gains.

Sometimes we underestimate the emotional toll of moving, especially when we think we’ve become experts at the process. But the reality is that each move is a like a small death. We experience some loss each time, no matter how small it may seem on the surface. (Sue Jervis, a British military spouse and psychologist wrote a fascinating book about this if you want to learn more. She says these losses accumulate over a life of repeated moves, and are often internalized in ways we don’t really acknowledge or learn to repair before the next move comes along.)

I’ve discovered for myself that 4 months is about how long I typically feel out of sorts. I may be sad one minute and excited the next, or hopeful about one thing but really down about another. So I’ve made a promise to myself not judge anything about a new assignment for the first 4 months. I cut myself some slack about any ups and downs and try to withhold judgment if I find myself worrying too much. I expect to feel some loss during those first few months and I try not to over-react when it comes. At the same time, don’t wait to embrace new opportunities and look for gains that you might not have expected. In other words, give yourself permission to accept the loss, sadness, frustration during the transition AND be open to the good stuff that will come your way if you let it.

If this is a summer on the move for you, I wish you peace in your PCS.

The Naked Truth: Olivia’s Story

November 9, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Olivia’s husband is approaching retirement after a successful 30-year career in the Air Force. With 11 assignments under her belt, and a new job with each one, Olivia wishes she had been able to have a career rather than a series of jobs. She reflects on her working life and what it has meant to her.

I don’t think that I’ve ever had a career. I have a job and there’s a big difference. I have nothing invested anywhere, except in my family and my marriage. When my husband gets out of the military he’ll have done 30 years. He’ll have invested his entire life, his retirement, his everything. He has a connection there. I don’t have that. I have a connection to the military by being (around the) military every single day of my life. My father was a Marine, then I was Air Force, and then I married him. But I’ve never had a career.

It wasn’t until later on in our life together did it hit me when I would leave jobs that I really liked, because I’ve had a few. I can honestly say I’ve been very lucky. 99% of the jobs that I’ve had I really regretted leaving. There are a couple I was ready to go after a while, but I stayed for the money. But I’ve been lucky. I’ve been able to work everywhere I go because I’m so diverse in my skills. I’ve had to be. I’ve learned to be. I don’t have the education though because I left college to go into the Air Force, and I’ve never gone back.

I’d always worked. Even in high school and college, I’d always worked. I’d always had that sense of freedom, having my own money, not feeling so dependent.

And I think that was a big thing. I didn’t have that sense of guilt for being at home sitting there, feeling like I wasn’t doing anything while he’s out working so hard making all the money for the house. I was able to contribute, knowing that if we go out and we spend money, it’s not putting a strain on our finances because I was contributing too. And that’s important to me.

When we went to Izmir, I had an 18-month old and a 3-1/2 year old at that point. I met a lady there and she was a GS employee. Her husband was Army and they had a 3-1/2 year old who needed a babysitter. So I said, “Oh, well until I get a job I’ll watch him.” He was a terror, a holy terror. He broke our sliding glass window with his head, and it didn’t faze him at all. That’s when I told my husband, “I can’t do this. I am so miserable here. I’m literally stuck in the house with three kids all day long every day. I can’t do this.” He said, “First off, you need to quit babysitting him.” So I did. They found childcare for him.

And he said, “And then you need to get a job. You’re happier when you work.”

I didn’t want the girls in daycare because it was way too expensive for two in daycare. I got a job working at the NCO Club as one of the head cashiers from 5:00 to 9:00 in the evening. (My husband would) get off at 4:00 and come home. We’d switch places and he’d take care of the girls in the evening. He would feed them, bathe them, and get them in bed while I went to work for four hours. And it seemed to make a world of difference.

I had that sense of independence. I didn’t feel trapped.

I didn’t feel completely dependent upon him. I had adult interaction. I had adult conversation. I was my own person again. I took care of the kids during the day and took care of the house, and then I was my own person for those four hours a day. It made the year and a half we had left there fly by, and it turned out to be a great assignment. But I was miserable for the first six months.

There is a difference between being a military spouse and a dependent wife.

You picture these women who go to the commissary and they’ll throw a fit about something stupid. Or they go to the clinic and demand to be seen because of who their husband is or what their status is in the community. It always seems their entire life was negative, and it all revolved around their husband, their status, their position, and their job. And it was never about them. They didn’t seem to have their own identity and I never wanted to be a dependent wife. I wanted my own identity. I wanted my own sense of self-worth. And the first six months in Turkey, even though I was helping another military family take care of their child, I didn’t have a sense of self-worth.

Not that I’m thinking a stay-at-home mom is bad, because there are absolutely wonderful stay-at-home moms. And their whole purpose in life, or their whole world revolves around their home, their spouse, their children, and that’s perfectly fine for them. That’s just not fine for me. And I realize that. I recognize that and I’m happier when I’m working.

(Olivia later worked as a school secretary and nurse in England.)

In England, it was more something to do, something to keep me occupied so I’m not sitting at home not doing anything. I can’t do that. That bothers me. I think if I didn’t have those jobs, I would’ve felt more useless. Being at home, especially when the kids were older. You get up, you clean the house, you make the bed, you do the laundry, and then what? What’s left? I don’t have a whole lot of hobbies so to spend all day knitting or spend all day writing a love story… I would literally be sitting there bored stiff. And I’ve done that a couple times. Then I went out and got a job.

I don’t think I know anybody who wants to sit there and feel useless.

I mean I’m certain that everybody wants to feel like they have a purpose, like there’s a reason for them to get up every morning. I just needed something more outside of the house for me, to keep me occupied, to give me a sense of self-worth, and not financial worth. Everybody wants to feel needed. I mean once the house is clean and the kids are in school, they don’t need you anymore.

(After several more moves and jobs, Olivia found herself in New Jersey as an empty nester.)

By that time both of my children were gone. And it was hard for me at first. I didn’t want to be at home when we went to New Jersey because the day after my youngest went to college, we packed up and moved to New Jersey. I got a job so I wasn’t sitting at home all the time, so I had something to occupy my time. And it wasn’t for the money. It was for something to do. And within three months I was promoted to one of the managers and got a huge raise. That was the hardest thing I ever walked away from when we moved here, because I never thought as an uneducated woman I would ever make $50,000 a year. It was so good!

(Now in Germany, Olivia has an administrative job and explains what work means to her now that her husband is approaching retirement.)

Before, I had something at home to keep me occupied but it wasn’t fulfilling enough. Now, I don’t want to go back home and sit there and do nothing. I want to be busy but it’s more important for me, even though I’m not happy in my job, to make the money knowing that in a year we’re going to be retiring. So right now we live off of my income and we bank his. And we put money away for a cruise this summer with our girls. One last trip before my daughter gets married and we’re paying for the wedding. But we have been able to pay for their colleges, both of them, and we’ve paid their cars off, so they’re walking out of college with no debt. That’s important to us. So now I’m back to working for the money. I’m not back to working for the satisfaction of working.

My husband and his career truly are the most important thing to me, because it’s had to be.

He has risen to the highest rank he can rise to an enlisted member. He has a Master’s degree, and by him getting that I helped pick up the slack at home. I took care of the kids a little bit more. I did all the running around. We sacrificed as a family to get him where he is, but it’s been tough too because I’ve had some really good jobs that I really, really loved. But I feel that his career has been more important above and beyond anything else. If he wanted to try a new job, we would go. There have been times when I’m really happy in my job and I’m having to leave a home that I love, a job that I love, my friends, my church, my family, so he can fulfill his adventure. That’s been tough. I think that’s been the hardest. And maybe that’s a reason why I do work, because I want there to be something else that is just me outside of the home. Because he has his something else. He has his career.

I always had my own self, sense of self-worth and my own sense of independence.

And I had my own little work world. I had my own life. And that was important to me. I was me. I was my own person. I wanted (my girls) to see the importance (of my working) because it taught them a sense of self-independence and a sense of self-worth, and I always taught them you are your own person. What you do with your life is your choice. And you can either choose to be with someone or you can choose to be by yourself, but you need to make sure you can take care of you. Don’t rely on anyone else to take care of you because when you start relying on somebody else to take care of you financially, then you get stuck with somebody that you’re not meant to be with. And you have no way out. Always have a way out.

I think it’s hard for me justifying why I work because there are so many women that don’t.

And I don’t look down on them for working, but the higher my husband went in his rank and the more prestigious his position became, some women couldn’t understand why I worked. Like when he became the command chief, and they introduced me to the president of the enlisted spouses club. I had never been involved in the spouses club before then, and I was going to be their advisor. What was I going to advise them on? I had never, I didn’t even know where the spouses club was, because the military was not my focus. It just wasn’t. It was where he worked. I had a whole other life outside of the military, and I was happy about that. And she came up to me and she says, “Oh I’ve heard about you. I hear you work full-time.” And I’m thinking out of everything they could have told her about me, that was the one thing she focused on.

Just because I work outside the home doesn’t mean I’m not involved in my husband’s career. When we moved to New Jersey, one of the ladies asked him, “Well, is Olivia going to work when she gets to New Jersey?” And he said I probably would, because I’d always worked. And she said, “Well that’s too bad.” She says, “Maybe it would help your career a little bit more if she didn’t work.” How much more could I help his career by staying at home waiting for him to come home?

Thank God I have a husband who doesn’t want me to be submissive.

He wants me to be my own person, have my own individuality, because I’m not happy when I don’t feel that. I feel like there’s something missing in my life, because it’s my own little piece of life. And if that’s missing I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel complete. I feel like I’m not doing what I’m meant to do on this earth. I needed that and he recognizes that, and he’s tried really hard to make these moves as easy as possible on me.

Sometimes it’s hard. I always give him the analogy that when you have an assignment change, you pick up your coffee cup on your desk and you set it on the next desk, and you’re there. I have a house I have to pack up and unpack. I have children I have to pull out of school and deal with them leaving their friends and the church and leaving everything behind and getting them settled in a new home. I have to deal with all of that while you go off to your office. I’m there dealing with all of that.

The Naked Truth: Maria’s Story

November 2, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Maria was an ambitious and successful attorney determined to keep her career going through every PCS. Currently a stay-at-home mom, she shares the sense of failure she felt when she was unable to sit for her third bar exam. Ultimately, she says she had to forgive herself and move on, but is critical of the roadblocks military life imposes on professional military spouses.

I was a domestic violence prosecutor in Puerto Rico, and I had a lot of prestige because I was prosecutor. But because I was in love, and my husband was an American military guy, I had to leave everything behind, my family, my friends, my career and move to Biloxi, Mississippi. It was a sweet and sour experience because I was a newlywed. I was so much in love. But it was tough leaving everything behind. And I had to focus on perfecting my English, so I started taking English classes on base. It was stressful.

It was a tough decision. All my family were like, “Are you sure about this? You’re going to get married and leave everything behind?” But I was in love. And I said, “You know what, I’ll find another job. I’ll pass the bar in the United States. I’ll do whatever it takes. This doesn’t mean the end of my career.” Or so I thought.

I didn’t understand what it means to be a military wife at all. I didn’t understand that I had to move all the time.

The first couple of months, because I was a newlywed, everything was like an adventure. But it was very difficult for me to accept the fact that I depend on my husband. Like I was making my own money and I was buying fancy clothing or nice stuff because I could afford it. And now I felt so guilty that I had to use my husband’s money.

My mom worked all her life so my example was a working mother.

My mom has her own business, a very powerful lady. So I felt like, “What’s wrong with me? I live off of my husband.” So I was focusing on perfecting my English and being (fully) bilingual because I wanted to go back to work as soon as possible. I was afraid I was going to be discriminated against with a Puerto Rican diploma. So I went back to school for my LLM in health law.

So then we moved to Florida. And it was a lot of sacrifice once again, but I passed my bar (exam) the first time. I was very proud of myself. A lot of people didn’t pass the bar and English is their first language, and I was able to pass the bar and I did very good. My dad was so proud of me.

I tried to find a job in my line of work, in health law. And I kept applying, applying and I couldn’t find a job. And after months and months I found a job in a field that I never even considered, in insurance defense. But I didn’t like it because insurance defense has nothing to do with family or people.

I wasn’t enjoying my job. I was miserable.

And my husband said, “Maria, this is not worth it.” I was working seven days a week. So I quit. My husband supported me a hundred percent. But it’s tough because I was making my own money again.

(I decided) I’m going to go back to my roots. I’m going to go back to family law and domestic violence because I think that’s my calling. So I started working as a volunteer (for a legal services agency). And very quickly they were very happy with me. So the first time they had open a paying job, it was a temporary attorney job, substituting for this lady that needed breast cancer surgery. So she trained me and I did her job. It was helping people represent themselves in court. And it was with the public coming, walk-ins and I loved it. I loved it. It was a very good job. And they were very pleased with me.

Right after that, they had an opening for a family law attorney…yes! And they wanted a bilingual person. The problem was my husband had to PCS. We were hoping to stay in Florida. But unfortunately it didn’t work out, so we had to go to San Antonio. So that was bad news. I cried so much.

I was devastated because I was so happy with my job.

They said, “It’s too bad you have to leave, but we don’t care. You give us whatever time you can give us and we’ll have you. And then when you’re leaving then we’ll put out an advertisement to look for somebody else.” So I loved it. I was so happy. I would be singing in the morning going to work. It’s so hard for a person to find a job that you look forward to go to every morning.

When it was time to say goodbye I cried a lot. When I arrived in San Antonio I was so depressed. I stayed a whole week in bed. I didn’t want to get out. I said, “No, I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to see San Antonio. I don’t want to be here.” I felt bad for my husband, but it really hurt me so much leaving my job. And I had to say goodbye and start all over again.

You know the thing is, every time you PCS your life is in pieces and you have to start all over again.

It is very hard to be a military wife. People don’t understand that but it’s a lot of sacrifice. That’s why when you see people criticizing benefits to military people I say, “They don’t understand. This is a lot of sacrifice. It’s not only the soldiers but also the families.” Oh, my God. I’m sorry… (Maria is crying)

I felt so miserable. I wanted to be an attorney. But I didn’t have the bar (in Texas) so I couldn’t work as an attorney. So I decided to take the bar for the third time. Then I found out I was pregnant. It was a very tough pregnancy. Two weeks before the bar I started getting very, very, very sick. I started having contractions. And I feared that I was going to lose my baby. So something told me inside, “Maria, if you keep pushing yourself, and if you keep doing this you’re going to lose your baby. You’re harming your baby with all this stress.” So I told my husband, “I’m not going to do this.” So I postponed it. I said, “I’m not going to take the bar. I’m dedicating myself to my baby.”

But it was hard. I got depressed. I felt like I failed.

I felt like I couldn’t do it. It was important for me to have another bar like ooh, I will feel prestigious. I got really depressed, to the point that I was in bed crying. And my mom said, “Maria, you have to forgive yourself for not doing this or you’re going to harm your baby, you’re crying so much.” But I felt defeated. It took me a while to accept that I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. But it’s okay. I’m a human.

I felt like I was like a school drop-out. I was ashamed of myself. And you always have the fear that if you take a pause in your career then nobody will want to hire you. I set myself a goal and I didn’t do it. I had never dealt with failure before in my life, never. I’ve always been so successful. I was also worried about other people’s opinion. I know it’s silly but they’re going to think less of me because I didn’t do the bar.

It took me a while to accept, because I never thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom.

I always looked at myself in the view as a professional. Every time I saw a lady with children, staying at home, “No. That’s not going to be me. I’m going to be the professional.” So it was hard to accept my fate that I’m going to be a stay at home mom. It was hard. It took almost two months to forgive myself and not feel guilty anymore.

All my memories are of my mom working and being dressed up to go to work, with her makeup and her high heels. I always looked at her and admired her so much. That was the kind of example that I had. So that’s my role model, my mother. And that’s what I wanted to be.

Maybe it’s silly of me for thinking like this, but sometimes I’m afraid.

My husband has such a very nice prestigious job. He does something really, extremely important, saving people’s lives every day. And he can come home and talk about work and he feels so good about himself. I can see it in his eyes. That passion, he loves his job. He loves it and I cannot share. I don’t have any input. And sometimes I’m afraid my husband is not going to find me interesting anymore. What do I have? What can I talk about, what I saw on TV or what I talk about with the girls out in coffee?

I never thought it was going to be this hard to the point that I tell girls, “Oh, are you dating a military guy? End it now before you fall in love.” I’m sorry, but as I said it’s hard. If you really love your job and your career you have to think twice. You have to sacrifice a lot for love, for the love of your husband. You have to sacrifice practically who you are.

The Naked Truth: Emily’s Story

October 19, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Emily immigrated from Russia at 18 and says that experience prepared her for the adventure of military life. Although moving around has delayed her career progression in the human resources field, she has just landed a GS job that she hopes will put her on a career path she can take with her to future assignments. She says it is like checking the last box, and she is happy that her life feels complete.

When I was working in Montana, I was working as a social worker and I became a good friend with one girl. Her husband and my (now) husband were best friends. So when my husband was stationed in Spokane, they introduced us. I just quit my job to move with my husband, and I wasn’t really planning to work until we moved to a different station because he only had one year left. And then I just became bored, so I applied to the CDC and got a job because it seemed to me this is the easiest job I could have gotten. So I just applied to CDC and worked there for about a year until we PCS’d (to Washington DC).

I started working in downtown DC. That was my first human resources job. I wanted to do something different and human resources was something I was interested in. I loved my job so much. Meeting new people, having this busy schedule, payroll, and the people I worked with. It was just a good environment. It was just perfect. If you describe your perfect job where you feel like you want to go, you want to get up and go, that would be it. That’s why I liked that place. And the boss was great, the president of the company. He was taking care of their employees and my pay was good.

(I felt) good, like I was going up the ladder, a ladder I wanted to start climbing. I felt like I accomplished things.

I was really happy with my job position, the people I was working with, the responsibilities I had to do. Honestly, my husband knows that if he was not in the military I really would like to be professional. I would really love to make a career in human resources. So I was real upset to leave because now I feel like every time I have to start from the bottom. So I didn’t want to go (to Misawa).

I just always wanted a career but, like I said, being married to a military man, you know you have to sacrifice something.

He keeps telling me maybe when he retires I will start my career, but I don’t think I will want to at this age. I mean, it’s not that important. I’m happy where I am, but for your own satisfaction that you did something in life you want to say, “I have a degree and I’m a professional.” That’s important to me. I don’t know why. I think everybody wants to be successful in life.

(Emily goes on to talk about her next assignments in Japan and Turkey, where she had two children and became a stay-at-home mom.)

It was just a different job, staying at home, and I figured I’m still going to try to apply for a GS position. So I was fine. Plus I didn’t trust anybody to take care of my kids when they were that age. Even if I had a job, I don’t think I would be going back to work so soon.

For some reason we have been so lucky with our assignments. Every assignment we’ve been happy about, and every time we were ready to go. We were ready to start from the beginning because we enjoy the change of scenery. Even with my job in DC, we were ready to go. We wanted adventure, especially when we found out we’re going to Japan. We can just travel and enjoy.

I still think I loved my job in D.C. It’s been six years? I still think that was the best employment I had. But I can’t think, “Oh I wish I stayed there.” That’s not what I chose. I chose to be married to a military guy so something better will come up.

Then another thing I was thinking if I get a GS position, I will be able to go up.

(Now in Germany, Emily explains that she has just accepted a job offer as a GS employee in a human resources function.)

I’m excited, but also I was doing good. I mean, I was enjoying it too because I like to exercise. So when I drop my kids I go to exercise. I do some groceries. I do whatever, clean the house. You know, just me time. But I can’t say no to a job in HR. (I can) get that experience, so I can start climbing the ladder in (the) GS (system). At least in the back of my mind I know that I will have preference when I go to a new place to get a job. It will be much easier for me to get a job if I want it. So it just gives that security feeling of, “Okay, that’s it. I’m in.”

What do you think you’ll get out of this job for yourself?

I guess just that fulfillment that I’m back being a career woman. It’s not like I have anything against staying home moms, but I always knew that I’m not going to stay home forever. I always knew that I’m going to start looking for a job and I just want to be busy. I just want to do something besides clean the house and take care of my kids. I love my kids. But it’s my time. I go and I do something. And I still want to go up the ladder.

It makes me happy. I don’t know how to explain it. Like inside of me, it’s like a “check box.”

And now that checks the box in me. The kids are taken care of, and every aspect of my life seems good. We are in Germany, we are enjoying it. So there are all these little check boxes, and then there’s this thing like, “What am I going to do with myself?” And then finally this is like the perfect ending to the story. Just check the box. You are in.

I hear these people talking about their bad days, but to me we are lucky.

We’re lucky on all our assignments. We were lucky that we got our degree before kids. We did that check box. I’m happy with our military career and myself. There’s nowhere to go for me. It’s taken care of.

My husband was my Prince Charming who came and rescued me. He took me out of that hole. No offense to anybody from Montana. He took out me out that hole and just pretty much said, “Here, do whatever you want.” And he has always been supportive of me. That’s important too. He’s always been supportive with me getting an education. He was supporting me not having a job if that’s what I wanted. And he’s happy that I’m happy.

The Naked Truth: Heather’s Story

August 24, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Heather recently achieved her life-long dream of finishing nursing school and becoming a nurse, but can’t find paid work in Germany. She is proud of overcoming the hardship of starting out as a teen mom, but is now frustrated that she isn’t able to work. She wonders if going back to school was a waste of time. The following are excerpts from my interview with Heather, which is not her real name.

I was in the Air Force. I was actually a single mom. I got pregnant at 16, had a baby at 17. And in order for me to join the Air Force I had to give temporary custody to my mom, because you cannot join the Air Force and be a single parent. So I gave temporary custody to my mom with the hopes him coming back with me once I finished tech school. I felt that the Air Force was going to better myself career-wise. I had gotten my certified nursing assistant license and I was a general receptionist for a couple years. I just kind felt like I was going nowhere with my career, so I decided the Air Force was probably the best for me. Plus I needed some discipline, so I joined the Air Force. Then I met my husband, and we knew the chances of us probably getting assigned (together weren’t good). And then it was just too crazy switching the custody back over with my first-born. At that point, I knew (my husband) and I were going to get married, and I just felt that the best interest was for me to get out and not let any of the whole custodial stuff take control. So that’s what I did.

(Being in the Air Force) was definitely a self-esteem booster at the time. But at the same time, I was separated from my son. It was always “service before self,” and I was like, “I’m sorry, but I’m not putting service before my kid.” That is what it kind of came down to. So I was using the Air Force as a stepping stone to further my career. I always knew I wanted to go into the nursing field, but being a single mom and trying to do it was just difficult. I felt like it definitely gave me the self-confidence that I needed though.

I don’t know if it was the discipline. I mean, my dad was retired military with 24 years in the Air Force, and so I was already used to the ways of the military. It just made me feel a little more at home. When I was in high school,that was the longest I had ever lived anywhere because all my life we moved every four or five years. So maybe it just made me feel a little more comfortable and relaxed because it was more structured.

Tell me what happened after you got out of the Air Force and got married.

Actually, I was pregnant and I still knew I wanted to be in the medical field. I always had that desire. So I started looking for work and I found a job at a radiology department in Washington, D.C. I did medical assisting there all the way through my pregnancy. And then, our oldest was five at the time. My husband was only a senior airman, and we lived in D.C. It wasn’t a good area of town, so we were paying for one to go to private school so he wouldn’t go to the horrible schools in D.C. So I was kind of iffy if I wanted to go back to work at that point, but I decided money-wise it wasn’t going be worth it for daycare and private school. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom anyway so it was like, “You know what? I can put my career on hold and do what I gotta do.” So I never went back to work then at the radiology department after I had my baby.

It was hard at first because I had always been independent.

I mean at the age of 16 I always paid my own car payment, paid my own insurance. I got a job right at 15-1/2, as soon as I could in Virginia. So it was kind of hard for the first time to have somebody pay my bills. You know what I mean? And my husband would be like, “Look, you’re going to have to understand we’re married now and what’s mine is yours and vice versa.” It just was the best thing financially for us. And emotionally I felt good because I’ve always been the independent one, and for once somebody was taking care of me.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but my husband had his career, and was working on getting his Bachelor’s degree. I’m like, “Gosh, if anything were to happen and we would not be together, I don’t really have any skills.” I felt like he was getting his education but I was the one staying home, just with mommy skills. So I think probably right after we were in Okinawa, I said, “Okay, I’ve got to do something with my education. I gotta go back to school.” I don’t want to say it’s a jealousy thing, but maybe I’m envious. You’re envious of their career.

So I started doing my pre-recs for nursing in Okinawa. And that felt good. That was like, “Woo hoo! I’m doing something for me finally.”

I got to do this, and then in Florida I finished the rest of my pre-recs and got accepted into a nursing program there. But the thing you’re worried about the whole time is, “Okay, I hope we don’t get orders, hope we don’t get orders.” And then, before I even finished, this assignment came open in March and my husband was like, “Should we put in for it? It’s my dream job.” We wanted to go back to Germany. He was stationed in Germany before we had met.

I was like, “Well, am I going to be able to get a job?” That was my top priority. I worked my butt off for this. I want to be able to work. And I actually called Landstuhl from the states and inquired and they were like, “Well, it might be tough. You might have to volunteer first, but try to get as much experience there.” So we put in for the assignment with the hopes that we would get it and I just kind of left it in God’s hands and figured if it was meant to be, we would get it. If it wasn’t meant to be then we would stay there until we got another assignment. And then we found out just two weeks later.

So then I graduated and it was like, “Okay, well we don’t leave till September what do I do in the meantime?” So I ended up taking a job and not telling them we were PCS’ing because number one, I needed the experience, and number two, I didn’t know if we were going to get the clearance for our son because of his past medical history. So I figured I’ll take the job because our orders could get canceled. I had a job at a hospital in Tampa. I was very excited about it. As soon as we definitely got the orders and got the A-Okay, I just let them know and they were fine.

Having that job, that was good. That was the first time I had a paycheck in 10 years.

It had been 10 years since I had worked. I mean, I know that his money is our money but it was like my first paycheck. So it was good. It was definitely rewarding, and ever since I can remember I knew I always wanted to be a nurse. So I was like, “Okay, this is a real thing.”

Now I’m volunteering on the mother-baby unit (in Germany), and it took months to get on there. It just kind of stinks. You have this dream all your life and something you want to do, and we were finally at the location we want to be, and I can’t get a job.

You’re giving all this education and experience for free, but there’s only so long you want to do it (because) you’re not getting paid. I just remember one of the Colonels coming in and saying, “This hospital wouldn’t run without our volunteers, and they save us a hundred and something million a year.” That’s great and all, but they’re in desperate need. They need more nurses to come forward but they don’t have the positions. They don’t have the funding to do it. They would just continue to take volunteers. Somebody said to me the other day, “Well why do you even volunteer? That’s just less of a chance for you to get a job when they’re getting all this free work.” Well, I need the experience. I need the continuing education. So I guess it’s double-sided.

What is it that you want to get out of working? Why is it important to you?

I think self-gratification. It just makes you feel better as a person. You feel like you’ve done your share to help someone else out. I feel bad for my husband too because he makes those little comments like, “I wish I could stay home.” I’m like, “No you don’t! I wish I could work. I’ll trade spots with you. I’ll go in and you stay home for the day.” I want to be able to contribute even though we share everything. I want to be able to have extra money. I want to be able to have a savings account. I want to be able to not live paycheck to paycheck, which is what we’ve done for ten-plus years. And that’s a big thing. And of course, you’re in Europe. You want to be able to travel and go places and do stuff. It’s the chance of a lifetime here. Oh my gosh, I wish I had a job!
I may have to go back to just being a receptionist somewhere. You go to school for all these years to try to finally get your degree, and then it’s like, well there are jobs at the CDC. You feel like you’re almost taking a step down, but what do you do?

It definitely makes me feel like crap, having something and not being able to use it.

You work hard for something and then it just kind of sits there and collects dust, which is what I feel like my education is doing. It’s funny because I remember when I was at orientation, I met a couple girls that said, “If I can’t get a job here I’m just going back to the states and then I’m just going to come see my husband every couple months.” And I’m like, “I’m sorry, but that’s not happening.” Where the Air Force sends my husband is where he sends all of us. We’re going together as a family, and that’s what you have to do. You have to make do and it’s his career. I’m following him around and trying to just kind of fit in where I can.

It stinks. I told my husband joking, “Okay when you retire in the next couple years, you’re going to follow me. I’m going to take jobs all over the United States and you’re going to have to follow me and find a job wherever.” He jokes and says he’ll be a stay-at-home dad.

He’s definitely good and he’s been very supportive. But, yeah, who knows? I’m sure I will be the sole breadwinner in the beginning, once he retires, because he’s still working on his education. I have to give him the little kick in the butt to get this done. And he’s kind of undecided. He’s like, “I’m not like you. I wasn’t five years old and knew I wanted to be a nurse. I’m almost 40 and I don’t know what I want to do with my life.”

How has this experience in Germany impacted you?

It definitely is a blow to your self-esteem once again because you start getting proficient in something and you have confidence, but you can’t do what you set out to do. It definitely makes you feel horrible. (Heather is crying.) You want to do something better with yourself. All my life I’ve always not wanted to be labeled as the teen mom who’s not going to amount to anything. I’ve finally gotten over this huge label and then you really can’t do anything with it. So maybe I shouldn’t even have went to school. Maybe it was just a waste.

The Naked Truth: Dee’s Story

July 27, 2016 by Michelle Still Mehta Leave a Comment

Dee is a recent high school graduate, newly married to her Air Force husband. She feels lucky to have the opportunity to be in Europe and enjoys working at the Exchange so she can keep busy and have people to talk to. Dee is also in school, and would like to be a teacher someday. The following are excerpts from our interview in Germany. I have not used her real name.

We were high school sweethearts and then he decided to enlist in the Air Force. It basically started from there. We graduated in May and he left in June. I went to see him graduate in August where he proposed to me.

Actually the reason why we got married was a personal family situation. In August, I got kicked out of my house by my father and my husband felt bad for me, but it was kind of like a win-win situation. I kind of wanted to get out of there. So when he came home for Christmas break in December we went to the courthouse and got married, but eventually we’re going to have a real wedding. I still have my dress. We got married and he left for Germany in December and then I had to stay back because we had to get the sponsorship paperwork done.

I went to college for two semesters right after high school, summer and fall semester. And then I had to stop to get ready to come here. I had a part-time job at Dollar General for about a month and a half.

When he left it was very stressful for me. I was living with his parents which would be my in-laws. I was living with them when he was in basic training, so it was a really stressful environment because his mom was there and she had all those mixed feelings of a mom.

I also had no idea about the Air Force, and it was just totally new to me.

My eyes were wide open for the whole entire time. It was an exciting time because of all the stuff that was happening and graduation too.

(Without the military) I wouldn’t be in Germany. I mean a lot of people don’t have those kinds of opportunities in life. That’s just what I think about all the time. So, I mean it’s exciting.

The first day he told me that I was going to be able to come here, I went to the post office and got my passport that day. I was really excited. I’d never been out of Ohio for my 19 years of living, so I was just really excited.

We had nothing, like absolutely nothing when we started out so I was making lists and trying to get everything together. Trying to go to garage sales to get everything we could. And I mean we had nothing, so it was just trying to work and trying to get all the money I could so we could try to start.

It was exciting (when I first got here) because I hadn’t seen him in six months. Same thing with graduating from tech school and from basic training, you get used to not being able to see him.

But I didn’t have my driver’s license at that time and I really had no idea what I was going to be doing. So I was sitting at home with nothing to do for probably a good three, four months because I really didn’t have anything to do. And I didn’t have any friends yet.

I felt alone and I was really getting angry.

Not really angry, but stressed out because I guess those were the couple months that I was aggravated with him. And I was still trying to understanding the Air Force. We had a couple fights and I wasn’t used to his schedule yet. Their shop is open 24/7, seven days a week so it’s one of those rotating things. Sometimes you’re on night shift. Sometimes you’re on day shift.

I really didn’t get to see him that much. Obviously in the Air Force you don’t. But I didn’t know that at the time. So I guess I was missing him.

Right now we’re fine because I have a job and he has a job.

So we’re getting along great. We pass each other sometimes, but it keeps you busy. You don’t have to think about it that much.

I really wanted a job so I could help out and pay for bills and. And he was like, “Go ahead and do what you want.” We have two cars now so we have to try to make that work with bills. So I tried and tried for three months and then finally I was like, “I just need a job.” So I went to the BX and I really didn’t care what kind of job I got. But I enjoy my job. We make it work. Our days off are not on the same days at all, but I like it because it keeps us both busy. I don’t have to sit at home anymore and think about all the things that are going on around me.

And then I started school in January. I’m feeling better about myself because I have a lot of things to do. I feel like I have a purpose because I’m pursuing a degree I’ve always wanted to pursue, and I’m able to contribute to our bills and everything, and I’m able to help out basically now.

I’m around people all the time. This is going to sound weird, but I was excited to get my job because I didn’t really have anybody else to talk to at home except for my husband. I was excited to get the job because I’d have people to talk to when you’re working. I could talk to somebody about what’s going on in my life instead of just keeping it all to myself, because I like to talk. I like to be around people.

This is going to sound weird too, but I like to be around kids and I see kids on a daily basis, working in the infant’s department. I mean it’s not exactly being around kids but I can get that feel for it I guess. I enjoy it.

I would like to teach in an elementary school environment, K through fourth grade or fifth grade, but no higher than that. Because little kids, they don’t know anything when they come to school. And you have the opportunity as a teacher to teach them something new, and they always have a smile on their face when they learn that piece of information. It’s just exciting, seeing them learn.

We’ve talked about (what he wants to do). We’ve only got as far as extending a year in Germany, so we really don’t know where it’s going to take us. He’s talked about if he gets his school done in the time he’s in the Air Force, then he might not be in any more. But that’s up in the air right now.

I think it would be interesting if I could teach for DoD schools on base. I guess it’s a totally different environment because you have to be lenient on them because they’re moving a lot.

If he continues in the military, that would be great. We’d have more opportunities to travel. That’s one of the positive things in the Air Force. Meeting new people that are in the same environment, I guess you could say.

People say on the news that Air Force wives have a very big impact on the country. I guess they’re serving too because they’re living in a high stress environment too.

PCS