Michelle Still Mehta, PhD

Consulting & Coaching

Whole Spouse

Helping military spouses be their whole and best selves.

Finding Your Whole Self: The Hidden Blessings of Military Moves

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Finding Your Whole Self: The Hidden Blessings of Military Moves | Whole Spouse

Like many of my fellow military spouses, I’m getting ready for PCS season. I’ve got my checklists ready, farewells planned, kids signed up for new schools, and plans for moving my business to the new duty station. After 8 moves in 15 years of marriage, I have the process down (well sort of). As much experience as I have with managing the logistics of each move, the emotional upheaval that comes with each transition never goes away. Each move is like a small death, a letting go of the past assignment and preparing for the unknowns of the next one. We say goodbye to friends, schools, neighbors, and often secure jobs or thriving businesses with the knowledge that we have to put those puzzle pieces back together again on the other side. How many times can I take my life apart and put it back together and still be whole?

British psychologist and military spouse, Sue Jervis, writes about how military moves fragment our psyches and that the challenge for our own mental health is to repair that damage before we are hit with the next move. That requires looking at the losses, mourning them, talking about them, seeking support, and holding onto the best part of our past to teach us who we want to become during the next round.

Nobody has to tell us that moving around every 2-3 years is hard. That’s the average for military families and we know that the emotional, psychological, and financial impacts to spouses are real. But we don’t always talk about the silver lining that comes from experiencing this level of disruption in your life. Many of us literally give up our identities because of a PCS or because of the lifestyle of frequent relocation. Our original career plans don’t fit the demands of military life, or the toll of persevering on that path becomes too great.

Early in my marriage I found myself in just that boat. I was working for a large consulting firm, doing well and up for Partner soon. The only hitch was that I worked very long hours, and lived on airplanes and in hotels most of the time. I was always exhausted and found myself having heart problems in my early 30s. I was proud of my accomplishments, but couldn’t say I enjoyed my job. I was climbing a ladder that I thought was real success without really questioning what I was doing with my life.

Luckily for me, the Air Force literally saved my life. When my husband got orders to Turkey, I quit my consulting job, relieved that I was off the treadmill I had been on, but terrified that my career was over. Although it took a few years for me to sort out what I was really called to do, I’ve never regretted the changes I’ve made. As an independent consultant and coach I do work that is meaningful to me, and provides the flexibility for me to have a real life and a family I spend time with. If not for the forced move overseas, I’m not sure I would have found the courage to leave my corporate life and the façade of success I had been holding so tightly.

I was reflecting on all of this today as I read Sheryl Sandberg’s heartbreaking post about the loss of her husband and her experience with grief. In that post, she shares a simple prayer that says:

“Let me not die while I am still alive.”

That prayer struck a chord in me because it evokes the same kind of feeling I get during each PCS. All your belongings, your relationships, your very sense of identity can be yanked out from under you, yet the essence of YOU are still there. It is almost like a brush with death, where you are called to be reborn each time. For anyone who has experienced tragedy, you know with clarity in those moments what matters. You hold your loved ones tighter, make pledges to spend more time with people, and commit to letting go of the trivial things in life.

I am grateful for each and every one of those moves we’ve made and for the incredible journey that forces me to strip everything away and look at my life with new eyes each time. So the next time you are hijacked by your latest PCS, I challenge you to look for the silver lining and see it is a call to wholeness, to remember exactly who you are and to be that well.

 

When not PCSing, Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses. Contact her for your complimentary coaching session.

How Your Marriage Can Make or Break Your Career

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How Your Marriage Can Make or Break Your Career | Tips for balancing marriage with the career you want.

In my coaching work, I’ve developed a framework called the “3M’s” – Marriage, Motherhood, and Military Life. The bottom line is that military spouses who want a sustainable career need to find a fit between career and these three potential pulls on their time and commitment. When any one of these factors is out of alignment, establishing or maintaining a career will feel like an uphill battle. Marriage is the first key to career success, because being on the same page with our spouse is a vital part of realizing the life we want for ourselves.

Two participants in my research study bring the relationship between marriage and career to life. Olivia is the wife of a senior NCO, who has worked regularly at each assignment during their 26-year marriage. She stayed home briefly while their children were young, but it was her husband who said to her, “You aren’t happy when you aren’t working. You need a job.” From that day forward she always held a job and her husband made the commitment to be home with the children when she worked evenings. Looking back on her achievements over the years, she says, “Thank God I have a husband who wants me to be my own person.”

On the other hand, Brenda is a spouse who is frustrated by her situation. She gladly left her accounting career to stay home with her children for a few years, but then was eager to work again when they were in elementary school. She found a job that met her needs for flexibility and allowed her to work from home, and still be available for her kids after school. To her it was an ideal scenario and she loved the work. However, her husband didn’t like the new routine or how chaotic the house seemed as a result. He asked her to resign, and she complied reluctantly. Now she believes she may never attempt to work again. She regrets falling into a pattern where she became the one that had to “pick up all the stuff” for the family, and her husband felt no responsibility at home because of his “excuse job” in the military. She wishes she had listened to the advice she received when she first got married: “If you don’t want to mow the lawn for the next 40 years, don’t start doing it now.”

So what can you do if you find yourself feeling like Brenda but would like to be more like Olivia?

The real answer is communicating with your spouse and not holding back what your needs and expectations are. And of course listen for his needs and expectations as well. Find common ground and question the assumptions you might be holding about each other. Forging and keeping agreements about how you will both contribute to housework and childcare is essential to your sanity and to your ability to have a career.

Of course the challenges of aligning marriage and career are not unique to military spouses. I was inspired to write about this after reading a recent article by a former professor of mine. (See Robin Ely et al., Harvard Business Review, December 2014). Ely’s study found that a high percentage of business school alumnae have suffered dissatisfaction with their careers because they expected egalitarian marriages, but instead found themselves in marriages where they have taken on the majority of the childcare. Ely notes that the prevailing wisdom these days is to tell women to “lean in” to achieve career success. In contrast, she focuses on the marriage part of the equation, and tells women not to let their husbands off the hook. Her advice is “make your partner a true partner.” I couldn’t agree more.

Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses. Contact her for your complimentary coaching session.

The Downside of Over-Volunteering

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The Downside of Over-Volunteering | Whole Spouse

Volunteers are the heart and soul of our communities, and we all know that military spouses are often the first to step up and serve.  Volunteering gives us a unique opportunity to share our gifts with those in need, and reminds us how blessed we are to have these talents to offer.  It can also give us valuable work experience.

At the same time, I worry when I see military spouses using volunteering as a crutch, especially when it comes to re-entering the workforce.  I’m not worried about the professional volunteer who loves playing that role.  If that’s your calling, fantastic!  I am worried about the spouses who say they want a career and want to be paid for what they do, but can’t seem to get off the chronic volunteer track.  They are giving away too much.

Sometimes volunteering can become the path of least resistance that is safe and comfortable, without risking failure that seeking a job might entail.  To borrow the words of Sheryl Sandberg, I think volunteering is sometimes an excuse that keeps us from “leaning in” to our careers.

If you find yourself feeling this way, ask yourself these few questions before you take on a new volunteer commitment:

  1. If you knew you could be paid a market rate for this work rather than volunteering, would you prefer to be employed?
  2. Are you qualified to work in this field and be compensated for the work you do?
  3. Are there paid opportunities in your career field? (And don’t limit yourself to your current location, especially if you are in Podunk, USA!  Think creatively about opportunities for virtual work.)

If the answer to these questions is yes, then ask yourself if you have thoroughly put yourself out into the job market.  What is holding you back, or rather what is keeping you from leaning in?  If having a career is important to you, then don’t sell yourself short.  Knowing that you have value and declaring your worthiness to be paid for your work is the first step.

 

Michelle offers individual and group coaching for career-oriented military spouses.  Contact her for your complimentary coaching session.

 

What Does it Mean to be Your Whole Self as a Military Spouse?

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What Does it Mean to be Your Whole Self as a Military Spouse? | Whole Spouse

My favorite definition of wholeness is sweet and simple – To be exactly who you are, and to be that well. As a coach, my deepest desire is to help my clients discover who they are truly meant to be and to find their own way of bringing that to life. As a military spouse, I’ve learned from my own experience and from my research that our career challenges can be a huge obstacle to becoming and being who we want to be in the world.

It all began for me when we went overseas for the first time 13 years ago. I left my consulting career behind and reluctantly joined my Air Force husband for an assignment in Eastern Turkey. I had never in my adult life been unemployed before, and was terrified that I had lost my identity as a successful professional. My worst fears were realized when we arrived and my residency permit had been stamped “Ev Hanimi” or “Housewife.” At that moment, every ounce of self-worth I had possessed seemed to melt away. Is this how I would be defined forever more in the eyes of the Air Force, my friends, my family?

What was the point of working so hard for so many years, if it could be taken away with a simple rubber stamp?

The answer is, of course, that nobody can take away who you are. But how do you respond when faced with such obstacles? The military speaks of “resiliency,” but to me it is really about maintaining wholeness. If you know who you are, and believe deep in your bones that you are valuable and worthy, then no job or lack thereof can take that away from you.

There is no doubt that the facts on military spouse employment are sobering. We know from recent surveys, sponsored by MOAA and Blue Star Families, that unemployment rates among us are as high as 25%, and that just accounts for spouses who are actively seeking employment. We also know that the majority of spouses who are not working say they would like to be. And 90% of us who do work are underemployed, either because we are overqualified for our jobs or under-compensated. It is outrageous and sad, to say the least.

I realize that changing this reality will take time, and change happens slowly. In the meantime, my purpose each day is to help other spouses know exactly who they are and to be that well, no matter what. Because when we know who we truly are and find a sense of wholeness, we are better equipped to weather the chaos of military life, to creatively navigate career challenges, and make peace with a way of life that sometimes asks us to sacrifice our very identity.

If you are a military spouse seeking wholeness, contact Michelle (michelle@stillmehta.com) for a complimentary coaching session by phone.